The Dumb Sh*t Lads Say on Their Dating Profiles

Oh lord, help me… Strap in, lads and lasses! Grab a coffee (or a tea) because this one—dare I say it?—has always irked me, even baffled me.

What’s today’s topic? Well, as your friendly neighborhood Polywoman, I thought, what better way to dissect the absurd than with a giggle over “The Dumb Shit Lads Say on Their Dating Profiles”? Buckle up; this is going to get spicy!

Now, I might regret numbering these later, but I must start somewhere, and here’s my current favorite:

1. Hung – You just know when the poor darling typed this, he was picturing it decorating his Instagram bio like a badge of honor. You just know when our dear friend here typed that, he was picturing it as the crown jewel of his list of attractive qualities. Poor darling, that’s a bold move! Here’s hoping his personality picks up the slack!

2. No photos for work purposes – Hun, seriously? Who are you expecting to match with? A secret agent? You’re either a fake profile or a really strange dude!

3. I love pussy! – Ah yes, the classic. This one comes in many flavors! My personal fave was from a gentleman in his late 70s. Bless his heart, he wrote, “I’m always hungry and love to eat 🐈‍⬛ —either the more hairy ones or the more modern hairless ones.” Well, talk about an adventurous eater!

4. Want to travel the world with me? – Seriously? No. That may have seemed romantic in your head, but we’re still strangers, buddy! Let’s keep the globe-trotting ideas for when we’re acquainted enough to share a 4in1 🥡

5. Just here for the vibes – I don’t know what this means? What does it even mean? 😰 Is it an emotional buffet? All good vibes and no substance? Is there a vibe dictionary I need to consult? Please illuminate me, because I’m still in the dark! Someone hand me the vibe chart!

6. Joined because a friend recommended this app – I don’t care how you found your way here! It’s like telling me you signed up on a Tuesday. Great, now I know you’re bad at calendars too! Maybe the app developers want that intel, but perspectives matches don’t need to know…

7. Bad Dad Jokes – Okay… I have to admit some guys can actually pull this off, but lads, please, before you slap a bad dad joke on your profile, test it on a friend first. If they don’t at least smirk, it ain’t funny! Like this one I saw yesterday: “Seeking: New partner in crime! (Not the romantic kind; I’m just a kleptomaniac.)” 🤦🏻‍♀️ Just no!

8. Telling me your gym routine – When a guy’s profile reads like a fitness brochure—gym to work to gym to bed to gym repeat—my first question is, where’s the time for dating? Are you just in it for the compliments on your biceps, hun? 💪🏽

9. Great in the bedroom – 😅 Oh dear. I get it, but there are so many more creative ways to say it! This one just sounds like your opinion—and we all know opinions are like belly buttons, everyone has one, and some of them are just weird!

10. 6’2 – Ohhhh my… You’re probably 5’5, and let’s be real, being a decent human with a good personality is what really counts! But I must say, it’s perplexing how you think your height is the only relevant information I need! Fill out the rest of your profile!

If you enjoyed my top 10, and would like to hear about my favorite things on guys’ dating profiles so far, get in touch! Let’s keep the lols rolling