Love: Through the Lens of a Polyamorous Ethical Hedonist/Sensualist/Sapiosexual

There’s a song by Panic! At The Disco called House of Memories, and its opening lines resonate deeply with me: “If you're a lover, you should know, the lonely moments just get lonelier…” Released back in 2016, this song captures the intricate dance of love, loneliness, and the bittersweet nature of our emotional connections. It strikes a chord in my heart as a sapiosexual, sensualist and  ethical hedonist and someone polyamorous —let me unpack that for you.

As a sapiosexual, my attraction lies more in the contents of a person’s mind than in their physical appearance. I crave intellectual stimulation. To me, it’s about feeling that electric spark during a captivating conversation—a captivating exchange that ignites passion and drives connection. You don’t have to be a genius. Just be someone who inspires curiosity and delight. Do you understand what I mean?

Now, on to another layer of my identity: the ethical hedonist. The word “hedonism” originates from the Greek word hedone, meaning pleasure, and emphasizes the importance of savoring the sweetness in life. For me, being an ethical hedonist is about embracing joy and pleasure in every way possible. But keep in mind, I practice ethical hedonism. Pleasure should never be seen as selfish or shameful; it’s something to be nurtured, accompanied by consent and self-reflection. Dan Savage reminds us to be GGG—good, giving, and game. So, yes we can truly have our cake and eat it too!

When it comes to sensuality, it’s all about stimulation. Sensualists can appreciate experiences that heighten the senses, sometimes even playing at the edge of pain. A gentle touch or a slow caress down my spine can be incredibly stimulating; it’s about finding that chemistry. If there's no chemistry, we miss the magic of the connection.

And then there’s polyamory—a word derived from Greek and Latin, meaning “many loves.” Polyamory embodies my desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner, all established through informed consent. Essentially, I love to love; I have a great deal to offer, and I believe there’s room for many connections to flourish.

The power of music

So why does House of Memories evoke so many emotions in me? Parts of it ring painfully true: long-term relationships can indeed feel lonely, especially as intimacy deepens over time. I always feel just a bit called out by the line, “if you're a lover, you should know.” That’s me—I'm a lover! I love being intimate! I thrive on connection, lust, and desire. These things feed my soul.

In another one of his songs, High Hopes, Brendan Urie sings, “Mama said, it's uphill for oddities. Stranger crusaders ain’t ever wannabes. The weird and the novelties don’t ever change.” These lines resonate with my spirit as I embrace my uniqueness. I genuinely desire a little bit of everything in life, and is that really such a bad thing?

In this journey through love and relationships, I refuse to repress my desires. I thrive on the complexities of being a lover, a sensual hedonist, and a polyamorous soul dancing through life. I revel in the vibrancy of many connections, understanding that each relationship can be both a challenge and a celebration.

As I embrace all these layers of who I am, I find strength in the realization that it’s okay to feel lonely at times. It’s part of the human experience and, paradoxically, it shapes our capacity to love more deeply. So when I contemplate the themes of those songs, I’m reminded that while loneliness exists, so too does the opportunity for connection and joy.

Instead I’ll choose to celebrate my uniqueness and the rich complexity of my many experiences.

Choose to savour every moment I spend with others, foster understanding, and embrace vulnerability.

Through it all, I’ll remain unapologetically myself. Life is too precious to suppress our desires, and intimacy, desire and belonging is are expansive to limit. In embracing the fullness of our existence, we can navigate this beautifully chaotic adventure with open hearts—ready to have our cake, enjoy every bite, and share it generously with those we cherish.